email dated 11/17/08
Oh the mission continues for me. It is hard for me to know what to write about these days because I don’t want my mail home to be boring. Rest assured that I write stories in my journal, but I am afraid too many stories full of names of people you don’t know will be boring. Furthermore, a lot of stories are also very personal and sacred spiritual experiences, and I fear, that if I always try writing home "AMAZING" experiences, I will start viewing my mission experiences as news report articles to be printed and I will be searching always for the next hot story to tell. That isn’t what these experiences are for and so, if you have noticed my emails lack stories lately, part of that is my new way of thinking. "You can’t force spiritual things" (President Boyd K Packer). I don’t want to start looking for things to report. If I feel so inspired some days, I may share some amazing experiences that I have. For the most part, that is how I have been writing during these last 5 months. So if my emails seem self-centered, over self-analytical, etc... I believe it is because I am talking too much about how I feel in an attempt to not write too many stories.
While we are on the topic of how I feel, I did want to address one issue that is a sharp topic in the modern world: gay marriage. I have always had a hard time with this issue. I try so hard to be a tolerant and a loving person, and I would never want to be guilty of ignorant or intolerant behavior toward any group of persons. That is what has made gay marriage such a difficult topic for me.
The church has officially come out in favor of the family, stating that "marriage is between man and woman." We are all familiar with the Proclamation to the World.
I am more than a member, a missionary, of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. And I admit that when I became aware that the church was spending tithing money to be involved in the political debate going on in California over gay marriage and proposition 8, I didn’t know what to think. I felt like a piece of paper that had been gripped by 1st grade kids and that they were ripping in opposite directions.
I remember a time in high school when a group of kids in their "straight pride shirts" asked me if I would join them in their "anti-protest of the gay protestors" that was currently going on. When I said “no” and was called a "fag lover," I remember being proud of that later and I thought of Atticus Finch--that "nigger lover" from To Kill A Mockingbird, which is one of my favorite books.
I had always personally felt that Civil Unions wouldn’t be bad. I wanted the debate to end so it would stop yanking at me. Even more, I felt that gay persons deserved rights to insurance benefits just like any other married people could do. I thought a Civil Union would make sense and end a very severe debate. I was always very frustrated at what I viewed as "hateful intolerance" and the way many use the word "gay" as an insult. Those things made me sad.
Anyway, so that was how I felt. For a long time I rarely thought about it, I went to college, found homework and a girlfriend occupied my time just fine, etc... It wasn’t until just a few months ago, when the debate over proposition 8 was going on in California that my passions were ignited again. There are a lot of missionaries from California in my zone for some reason I found myself receiving weekly news on the debate.
My official statement is this: intolerant behavior is making me sad. For a while I thought I was mad at the church for spending tithing money when not every member of the church was going to agree with those politics. With time I found myself understanding a little better. The church is not fighting against gays or liberals, rather they are only standing up on one issue in an attempt to protect the family institution. They have been mispainted and that does bother me. Even more, I do not enjoy that many liberals claiming to be fighting for tolerance and civil rights are often completely hateful and intolerant of those that don’t see this issue their way. I have been thinking about all my wonderful and conservative friends who I know stand for the marriage between man a woman, and, in my consideration of their character, I found not one drop of intolerance, ignorance, or hatred. I recognized that my anti-intolerant sentiments that I had formerly aimed at conservative people had sometimes been misplaced and undeserved. As I think about the LDS people, I know a people that is loving and tolerant and doing their best to try to make a good society, one that they feel comfortable raising their children in. I do not see hateful anti-gay people as I once did. It was important for me to recognize that.
With my head finally cleared, I was able to consider the issue in a different light. I still personally have a hard time with the whole thing, but I officially state that I do not believe the church is extremist or out of place in its stance. The official church statement is anything but extremist. Firstly, they said that they made a stance, even still knowing that many "good active members" may not agree. They aren’t trying to tell everyone what to say. Furthermore, it has been stated that the church is not opposed to hospitalization, insurance rights, etc... of gay persons. Simply put, the church would allow for such rights as long as they come by any other means than gay marriage, because the family institution is too sacred and they view marriage as between a man and a woman.
One trend in recent history that I fear is what I call the liberalization of society. As a historian, I love liberals. I always have and do. They fight for freedom and liberty, they beat tyrannical monarchs, they brought religious freedom to western civilization, they fought against slavery, they fought for women to have the right to vote, they fought for civil rights, etc... All things that always felt passionate about and loved. My fear is this: in the last 40 years the liberalization of society has been unprecedented in speed, and it has lots of momentum. Without opposition, we have the extremist enemy that we always talk about in the Shepherd house. I am proud of the church for playing a crucial part in the political process. "It must needs be that there be opposition in all things." Furthermore, I am proud of church members for coming together and working so hard— even if I still personally struggle with where I would stand politically.
LET COMPASSION REIGN!! It makes me sad when my companions from California show me their mail, and I read that their fathers have been spit on in the face by protestors, that their church meetings were interrupted by screaming persons in sacrament meeting shouting, "YOU HATEFUL MORMONS! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!" That makes me sad. I wish that man could hear himself. It makes me sad that church leaders have had to change their phone numbers and stay in the house and turn the music up to try and ignore screaming protestors outside their houses. My heart aches for a people that I personally know and love. They don’t deserve to be treated this way, especially when they have done nothing more than what their opponents are doing--which is get involved in the freedom of the American process to vote and stand up for what they believe.
This is lengthy and so I need to end here. I have no negative feelings towards the church with regards to this issue. I am a Latter Day Saint. Furthermore, I believe that Joseph Smith was a prophet, despite any imperfections he may have had, and I believe that the current Prophets and Apostles are called of God to lead us in the present day. I know the church is true. I know the Book of Mormon is the word of God. I know the fundamental necessary truths to keep me on a path of righteousness. I am doing my best to choose the right. It is hard to stand up for what is right when it seems all the ground has gotten dirty. I want you all to know that this issue hasn’t been easy for me, and I am sure it isn’t easy for all of you either because I know your passions and hearts too. But let it be said that we can’t forget the important things which are our faith in God and our families. Those have more value than anything else.
Take care, my dear family!! I love you!!!
Andy
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
I Haven't Forgotten
email dated 11/11/08
This will be really short because ya se me fue el tiempo. You all responded like true friends to my complaint of 0 messages and I had email today. I was doing all sorts of other little tasks like burning CDs for some converts and such and I lost my time.
I am staying here with Elder Stevenson for a 3rd transfer! In fact, our entire house of 4 stayed!! That will make 5 months of my mission with Elder Stevenson and Elder Ballard and Elder Ahlstrom. I am not complaining about that! I LOVE MY COMPANIONS!!! They have been real friends and real helps for me.
We are having success in our area and the mission continues to be an adventure. I love being a missionary and I am very happy these days. I hope that you are all doing well! I will write a better email next week.
I love you all!! Take care!!
Andy
This will be really short because ya se me fue el tiempo. You all responded like true friends to my complaint of 0 messages and I had email today. I was doing all sorts of other little tasks like burning CDs for some converts and such and I lost my time.
I am staying here with Elder Stevenson for a 3rd transfer! In fact, our entire house of 4 stayed!! That will make 5 months of my mission with Elder Stevenson and Elder Ballard and Elder Ahlstrom. I am not complaining about that! I LOVE MY COMPANIONS!!! They have been real friends and real helps for me.
We are having success in our area and the mission continues to be an adventure. I love being a missionary and I am very happy these days. I hope that you are all doing well! I will write a better email next week.
I love you all!! Take care!!
Andy
Monday, November 3, 2008
Empty Inbox
email dated 11/3/08
So, my rage is kindled against everyone today. 0 messages!? My forgiveness will pour out upon you all when I receive mail next week.
I don’t really know what to say.
So let’s start with how the work is going: we have a few families we are teaching but everyone needs to get married. Miguel and Rosario are my favorites. They are soo cool. And Miguel actually lived in the United States for a while as an illegal alien working 20 hours a day in a movie theater. They have agreed to be baptized and he went today to go and ask for a date from the gobierno. Getting married here is kind of a chore. And one fun interesting fact: members here can’t get married in the temple. They have to get married first, and then go and get sealed the next day, because you cannot be married by any other church than the Catholic church. The government hasn’t given permission to any other groups.
I am healthy and getting along with my companion Elder Stevenson. We are probably going to be staying together another change because of a special missionary choir that the president asked us to be in. In Montevideo he packed it with musical missionaries and we are going to be putting on a professional concert. We have 3 practices a week for 3 hours every practice!! Sometimes I feel like I am not on a mission, but it is fun being in the choir. President has said that he expects numbers to go up with the choir, not down. So we have to work doubly hard. The idea behind the choir is to spread the church name in a good way. The people down here will go to a free concert and they love music. And we are actually a really good choir. I am impressed.
I hope that everyone is doing well. I wouldn’t know if you are or not…zing! Take care and don’t forget to write a missionary, even if he has been out for longer than a year and is closer to coming home and on the downhill slide. I still have 11 months! Take care! Love y'all!!
Andy
So, my rage is kindled against everyone today. 0 messages!? My forgiveness will pour out upon you all when I receive mail next week.
I don’t really know what to say.
So let’s start with how the work is going: we have a few families we are teaching but everyone needs to get married. Miguel and Rosario are my favorites. They are soo cool. And Miguel actually lived in the United States for a while as an illegal alien working 20 hours a day in a movie theater. They have agreed to be baptized and he went today to go and ask for a date from the gobierno. Getting married here is kind of a chore. And one fun interesting fact: members here can’t get married in the temple. They have to get married first, and then go and get sealed the next day, because you cannot be married by any other church than the Catholic church. The government hasn’t given permission to any other groups.
I am healthy and getting along with my companion Elder Stevenson. We are probably going to be staying together another change because of a special missionary choir that the president asked us to be in. In Montevideo he packed it with musical missionaries and we are going to be putting on a professional concert. We have 3 practices a week for 3 hours every practice!! Sometimes I feel like I am not on a mission, but it is fun being in the choir. President has said that he expects numbers to go up with the choir, not down. So we have to work doubly hard. The idea behind the choir is to spread the church name in a good way. The people down here will go to a free concert and they love music. And we are actually a really good choir. I am impressed.
I hope that everyone is doing well. I wouldn’t know if you are or not…zing! Take care and don’t forget to write a missionary, even if he has been out for longer than a year and is closer to coming home and on the downhill slide. I still have 11 months! Take care! Love y'all!!
Andy
Monday, October 27, 2008
We are locked in
email 10/27/08
So we had a very fun experience: my companion and I and Elder Ballard and Elder Ahlstrom. We went to district meeting on Tuesday in the chapel in Paso Molino with the whole zone. I had left my scriptures upstairs and went up to get them, and they followed me up because we were all going to go to lunch together. As we came back down the stairs the Elders with the keys had already locked up and left. Now, in any chapel I have seen in the United States, this is a very easy to fix problem. Push. Not here. We didn’t even have an accessible phone!! We laughed at first and then realized that the situation was actually pretty serious. We were locked in with no way out because there are caged doors if we manage to get through the glass. (We are in a rough neighborhood.) And the best part is that nobody was going to be using that chapel for a few days. The soonest someone would be coming in would have been Thursday. So, unless we got some help we were in for the long haul, or until someone realized we were missing and came looking for us. We were stuck inside for 7 hours. We went to a window that faced the street and yelled for help for 7 hours and we were literally and straight-faced ignored by over 100 people. Around 6:30 a man with his daughter was walking by and he would have ignored me too but I finally screamed in disbelief, "are you really going to ignore me, sir? Are you kidding me?!? I have been here for 7 hours!" and he came up to the gate of the chapel and said, "what do you want me to do?" It was really easy once somebody finally stopped to help. He used his cell phone and we were free 20 minutes later.
Anyway, it turns out that it was a good experience. It makes for a fun memory and I got to play the piano for a long time. There was a piano in the room we were screaming from and when people weren’t walking by I was playing. It was good. And I got to talk to my companions and it turned out to be a tender mercy for me. It is a long story that someday I may share, but, for now, suffice it to say that I really believe it was a tender mercy that the we were locked in there. The Lord knows what he is doing and sometimes to help a 20 year-old Elder he may need to lock him in with good companions to provide 7 hours of conversation time. It was agradable.
I am doing well and working hard. I am a good missionary. Despite what I say and how hard I am on myself, I know that the Lord is proud of me. He takes care of me and this is His work.
I am short on time today again. I love you all! Take care!!
Andy
So we had a very fun experience: my companion and I and Elder Ballard and Elder Ahlstrom. We went to district meeting on Tuesday in the chapel in Paso Molino with the whole zone. I had left my scriptures upstairs and went up to get them, and they followed me up because we were all going to go to lunch together. As we came back down the stairs the Elders with the keys had already locked up and left. Now, in any chapel I have seen in the United States, this is a very easy to fix problem. Push. Not here. We didn’t even have an accessible phone!! We laughed at first and then realized that the situation was actually pretty serious. We were locked in with no way out because there are caged doors if we manage to get through the glass. (We are in a rough neighborhood.) And the best part is that nobody was going to be using that chapel for a few days. The soonest someone would be coming in would have been Thursday. So, unless we got some help we were in for the long haul, or until someone realized we were missing and came looking for us. We were stuck inside for 7 hours. We went to a window that faced the street and yelled for help for 7 hours and we were literally and straight-faced ignored by over 100 people. Around 6:30 a man with his daughter was walking by and he would have ignored me too but I finally screamed in disbelief, "are you really going to ignore me, sir? Are you kidding me?!? I have been here for 7 hours!" and he came up to the gate of the chapel and said, "what do you want me to do?" It was really easy once somebody finally stopped to help. He used his cell phone and we were free 20 minutes later.
Anyway, it turns out that it was a good experience. It makes for a fun memory and I got to play the piano for a long time. There was a piano in the room we were screaming from and when people weren’t walking by I was playing. It was good. And I got to talk to my companions and it turned out to be a tender mercy for me. It is a long story that someday I may share, but, for now, suffice it to say that I really believe it was a tender mercy that the we were locked in there. The Lord knows what he is doing and sometimes to help a 20 year-old Elder he may need to lock him in with good companions to provide 7 hours of conversation time. It was agradable.
I am doing well and working hard. I am a good missionary. Despite what I say and how hard I am on myself, I know that the Lord is proud of me. He takes care of me and this is His work.
I am short on time today again. I love you all! Take care!!
Andy
...Then 2 guys came out of nowhere and forced him onto a bus
email dated 10/13/08
An alfajor for anyone who can name that movie.
Rainy weather is unfortunate in Uruguay because nobody goes to church if it is raining. I don’t necessarily blame them; it isn’t like the US where we all have cars. They have to walk or ride moto most of them and if it is raining to them it is a legitimate excuse to skip anything. Oh well. It is ironic because the rainy wet weather is what has officially made October what I have titled a "Dry October." Because our investigators failed to go this weekend, nobody will be able to get baptized in October. November still looks good.
I hope nobody is worried about me from my email from last week. There is no need to be if you are. I am well and I feel good and I know that the Lord is proud of me and helping me to grow. My companion and I are working hard and I am very much in love with the mission right now. My General Conference Resolutions have made a profound impact already in how well I feel and how excited I am to go out and work. It’s a good thing we have General Conference every week.
Okay, are we all ready for me to bajar la caña? Faith Shepherd Kearl has not written me for a LONG time and my rage is kindled against her and her husband. If they will write unto me with full purpose of heart they will be forgiven and they will be my family and I will be their brother.
We have some good families we are teaching, pues they need to get married. I believe they will make it. But I am scared to put too many details because I hate writing about people that I get so excited about and then having something fall apart. My journal is full of those occurrences. Part of the problem is that I am an optimist with everyone. Without exception, of the 30 something investigators Elder Stevenson and I have gone through I have always said, "I think they will get baptized. They are soo good. I think they will make it." And then I write in my journal how excited I am and then...they drop us and I always feel sad.
It must needs be that I go. I love you all very much! Take care and keep praying for me! Prayer is a conversation, ask questions and listen. Bye!!
Andy
An alfajor for anyone who can name that movie.
Rainy weather is unfortunate in Uruguay because nobody goes to church if it is raining. I don’t necessarily blame them; it isn’t like the US where we all have cars. They have to walk or ride moto most of them and if it is raining to them it is a legitimate excuse to skip anything. Oh well. It is ironic because the rainy wet weather is what has officially made October what I have titled a "Dry October." Because our investigators failed to go this weekend, nobody will be able to get baptized in October. November still looks good.
I hope nobody is worried about me from my email from last week. There is no need to be if you are. I am well and I feel good and I know that the Lord is proud of me and helping me to grow. My companion and I are working hard and I am very much in love with the mission right now. My General Conference Resolutions have made a profound impact already in how well I feel and how excited I am to go out and work. It’s a good thing we have General Conference every week.
Okay, are we all ready for me to bajar la caña? Faith Shepherd Kearl has not written me for a LONG time and my rage is kindled against her and her husband. If they will write unto me with full purpose of heart they will be forgiven and they will be my family and I will be their brother.
We have some good families we are teaching, pues they need to get married. I believe they will make it. But I am scared to put too many details because I hate writing about people that I get so excited about and then having something fall apart. My journal is full of those occurrences. Part of the problem is that I am an optimist with everyone. Without exception, of the 30 something investigators Elder Stevenson and I have gone through I have always said, "I think they will get baptized. They are soo good. I think they will make it." And then I write in my journal how excited I am and then...they drop us and I always feel sad.
It must needs be that I go. I love you all very much! Take care and keep praying for me! Prayer is a conversation, ask questions and listen. Bye!!
Andy
Sometimes
email dated 10/06/08
Let it be remembered that I departed to conquer the world the Wednesday after General Conference one year ago. Here I am. Still alive, a little taller, bigger, and more experienced. And I still have plenty of time to go.
I have lately been pondering the purity of my heart. It is and always has been my biggest doubt in the mission field. I have often wondered if I was truly out here for the right reasons. "I figure ya just cant pray a lie" (Huckleberry Finn). I have always been battling with myself deep down trying to decide who I am, not just who people see me as. I know how I am viewed. I am Andy Shepherd. He was a good boy who was obedient to his parents, got impeccable grades, loved to talk, tried to be nice to everyone, loved the Lord and tried to keep himself clean, etc... For the longest time my image from Junior High and High School was that of a really good boy. And I knew it. And I tried to live up to that image. But here is where I ask my defining question that I have pondered my whole mission from time to time. Why? Did I do it because that was my image and I liked it, or did I do it because I loved the Lord and wanted to be what He wanted me to be? I think after a lot of deep analysis of myself, I have come to the conclusion that it had been a little of both, depending at times, if we are discussing Junior High and High School aged Andy Shepherd. There were times that I did good out of the purity of my heart and desire to do good, knowing that it was pleasing in the eyes of God. And I believe there were other times that I did it because I knew that is who I was supposed to be, but perhaps placed too much emphasis on the fact that that is how I knew everyone expected me to be. My battle with pride is not singular, I know we all go through it. And so maybe my discussing this will have some value for some of you.
Now I am a missionary. In the first place, I know that Jesus lives and that He loves us and that His church is on the earth today. That testimony is vital to me. But now I have to break down the day by day Elder Shepherd. When I contact someone in the street, do I do it because I love him or because I know I need to have 70 contacts this week and that I want to find new investigators to baptize, etc... If I do it for either reason I am still doing a good thing, right? But I am terrified of allowing the means to become my end. Obviously, as is always the case with any investigator that we find, I love them. I do. I love the people. And I want them to be happy and to know that Jesus Christ has made possible their eternal progression. I have that right reason going for me. I do love them. But did I only learn to love them because they accepted me and were nice to me and let me come in? Or would I have loved them no matter what?
Jesus Christ loved them no matter what. I have not. I have a LONG way to go. Jesus Christ said, "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do." Andy Shepherd said, "uggh, stupid 7th day Adventists." There is a horrible and disgusting difference. It makes me ask myself, why do I want them to believe what I believe? Why do I care so much that they believe exactly what I believe? And often, that can be a defining question. It isn’t about ME, or what I believe. I don’t want them to come to understand what I think or what I want or what I believe. I need to want them to come to understand what He wants and what He thinks and what He knows. As an instrument, it is true that my will can become the same as His and so what I say may just be what He would say. But sometimes I fear that I still say what He would say, but I don’t do it right deep down in my heart. The message is still pure, but why am I not? When I focus on them accepting what I said, and I wish I could put italics on the "I", then the purity of the message is lost. First and foremost the reason I say hi to someone in the street should be love.
I want to be a good missionary. I want my family and friends to know that I worked hard and was a good missionary. WHY DO I CARE? That is wrong and it haunts me. I want SOO badly to be a humble servant and to do it for the right reasons. Sometimes I do, and sometimes I don’t. Obviously, you could counsel me that we are all progressing and learning and that is why we are here. That is what the Spirit already told me, too. I guess this email is more of a confession than a cry for help. I am not always 100% obedient. Sometimes I blow it. Sometimes I see someone in the street and I say, "they look grumpy, maybe I will talk to the next person cause I don’t want that person to get annoyed at me." Sometimes I wake up at 6:30 and lay there wishing I could sleep more, and lay there for another 30 minutes. More than sometimes, I would use the word oft-times, my mind isn’t on the mission--rather it is at home. Sometimes I get so mad at the Jehovah’s Witnesses that come up and criticize me in the street. Sometimes I argue. Sometimes my companion and I get out of the house late. And the list goes on and on.
It is such a battle! And I feel so alone in the battle. I give myself credit for wanting to do the mission for the right reasons, and I believe that the Lord may yet give me credit for that desire as well because we learn in Samuel that the Lord looks on the heart. But a desire not carried into action is of very little value. The Sons of Helaman obeyed with exactness. Sometimes I do. And sometimes I don’t.
I know I am a perfectionist and that it can be unhealthy. I want to be better SOO bad. I want to be humble!! I want to be everything perfect! General Conference this weekend was Heaven Sent. It was edifying and just what the doctor ordered. I loved every minute of it. I felt the comforting voice of the spirit. I was counseled. I was given ideas of where to start in the path to improvement. I was filled with love and I almost cried during one talk given by a Seventy about the missionary that had said "I don’t know if God loves me" and the Seventy told him, "yes you do. You do know that." And I echo the words. I know that God loves me. And I know that I can be better. Furthermore, I know that I need to do it step by step. It won’t happen all at once. The key is in my desire. If I work with that desire to be pure, I will be. It won’t happen all at once. It may just be I was learning the virtue of patience.
I believe that I have been learning a lot more than that. I learn SO much all at the same time that sometimes it seems like an overload of information. But as a missionary we don’t have time to think about ourselves too much. The old adage will be remembered: "Lose yourself in the work." If only, if only. Sometimes I am lost in the work, and sometimes I am not.
I promise that I won’t be so self-analytical in future emails. I am at my year mark and trying to figure out what one year of service has done for me. I hope that you all didn’t get too bored with all this. Don’t worry about me. If I had more time I would discuss just exactly and in detail how every talk during conference was valuable to me and that I can and will try to apply so many principles that were re-iterated to me this weekend.
The gospel is true. Jesus lives. Jesus is perfect. We are not. Thank Him for repentance. Thank Him for everything. We are in a beautiful journey called life. Learn from the past and live in the present and plan for the future. And remember that in the end, it will all be alright. It really will be. I don’t want to be a preacher; I just want to be your brother and friend. We all learn together. I thank God more for my family and friends than almost any other blessing. Second only to the Atonement of Jesus Christ. My great joy to associate with all of you is a treasure. Take care of yourselves! I love you!
Andy
Let it be remembered that I departed to conquer the world the Wednesday after General Conference one year ago. Here I am. Still alive, a little taller, bigger, and more experienced. And I still have plenty of time to go.
I have lately been pondering the purity of my heart. It is and always has been my biggest doubt in the mission field. I have often wondered if I was truly out here for the right reasons. "I figure ya just cant pray a lie" (Huckleberry Finn). I have always been battling with myself deep down trying to decide who I am, not just who people see me as. I know how I am viewed. I am Andy Shepherd. He was a good boy who was obedient to his parents, got impeccable grades, loved to talk, tried to be nice to everyone, loved the Lord and tried to keep himself clean, etc... For the longest time my image from Junior High and High School was that of a really good boy. And I knew it. And I tried to live up to that image. But here is where I ask my defining question that I have pondered my whole mission from time to time. Why? Did I do it because that was my image and I liked it, or did I do it because I loved the Lord and wanted to be what He wanted me to be? I think after a lot of deep analysis of myself, I have come to the conclusion that it had been a little of both, depending at times, if we are discussing Junior High and High School aged Andy Shepherd. There were times that I did good out of the purity of my heart and desire to do good, knowing that it was pleasing in the eyes of God. And I believe there were other times that I did it because I knew that is who I was supposed to be, but perhaps placed too much emphasis on the fact that that is how I knew everyone expected me to be. My battle with pride is not singular, I know we all go through it. And so maybe my discussing this will have some value for some of you.
Now I am a missionary. In the first place, I know that Jesus lives and that He loves us and that His church is on the earth today. That testimony is vital to me. But now I have to break down the day by day Elder Shepherd. When I contact someone in the street, do I do it because I love him or because I know I need to have 70 contacts this week and that I want to find new investigators to baptize, etc... If I do it for either reason I am still doing a good thing, right? But I am terrified of allowing the means to become my end. Obviously, as is always the case with any investigator that we find, I love them. I do. I love the people. And I want them to be happy and to know that Jesus Christ has made possible their eternal progression. I have that right reason going for me. I do love them. But did I only learn to love them because they accepted me and were nice to me and let me come in? Or would I have loved them no matter what?
Jesus Christ loved them no matter what. I have not. I have a LONG way to go. Jesus Christ said, "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do." Andy Shepherd said, "uggh, stupid 7th day Adventists." There is a horrible and disgusting difference. It makes me ask myself, why do I want them to believe what I believe? Why do I care so much that they believe exactly what I believe? And often, that can be a defining question. It isn’t about ME, or what I believe. I don’t want them to come to understand what I think or what I want or what I believe. I need to want them to come to understand what He wants and what He thinks and what He knows. As an instrument, it is true that my will can become the same as His and so what I say may just be what He would say. But sometimes I fear that I still say what He would say, but I don’t do it right deep down in my heart. The message is still pure, but why am I not? When I focus on them accepting what I said, and I wish I could put italics on the "I", then the purity of the message is lost. First and foremost the reason I say hi to someone in the street should be love.
I want to be a good missionary. I want my family and friends to know that I worked hard and was a good missionary. WHY DO I CARE? That is wrong and it haunts me. I want SOO badly to be a humble servant and to do it for the right reasons. Sometimes I do, and sometimes I don’t. Obviously, you could counsel me that we are all progressing and learning and that is why we are here. That is what the Spirit already told me, too. I guess this email is more of a confession than a cry for help. I am not always 100% obedient. Sometimes I blow it. Sometimes I see someone in the street and I say, "they look grumpy, maybe I will talk to the next person cause I don’t want that person to get annoyed at me." Sometimes I wake up at 6:30 and lay there wishing I could sleep more, and lay there for another 30 minutes. More than sometimes, I would use the word oft-times, my mind isn’t on the mission--rather it is at home. Sometimes I get so mad at the Jehovah’s Witnesses that come up and criticize me in the street. Sometimes I argue. Sometimes my companion and I get out of the house late. And the list goes on and on.
It is such a battle! And I feel so alone in the battle. I give myself credit for wanting to do the mission for the right reasons, and I believe that the Lord may yet give me credit for that desire as well because we learn in Samuel that the Lord looks on the heart. But a desire not carried into action is of very little value. The Sons of Helaman obeyed with exactness. Sometimes I do. And sometimes I don’t.
I know I am a perfectionist and that it can be unhealthy. I want to be better SOO bad. I want to be humble!! I want to be everything perfect! General Conference this weekend was Heaven Sent. It was edifying and just what the doctor ordered. I loved every minute of it. I felt the comforting voice of the spirit. I was counseled. I was given ideas of where to start in the path to improvement. I was filled with love and I almost cried during one talk given by a Seventy about the missionary that had said "I don’t know if God loves me" and the Seventy told him, "yes you do. You do know that." And I echo the words. I know that God loves me. And I know that I can be better. Furthermore, I know that I need to do it step by step. It won’t happen all at once. The key is in my desire. If I work with that desire to be pure, I will be. It won’t happen all at once. It may just be I was learning the virtue of patience.
I believe that I have been learning a lot more than that. I learn SO much all at the same time that sometimes it seems like an overload of information. But as a missionary we don’t have time to think about ourselves too much. The old adage will be remembered: "Lose yourself in the work." If only, if only. Sometimes I am lost in the work, and sometimes I am not.
I promise that I won’t be so self-analytical in future emails. I am at my year mark and trying to figure out what one year of service has done for me. I hope that you all didn’t get too bored with all this. Don’t worry about me. If I had more time I would discuss just exactly and in detail how every talk during conference was valuable to me and that I can and will try to apply so many principles that were re-iterated to me this weekend.
The gospel is true. Jesus lives. Jesus is perfect. We are not. Thank Him for repentance. Thank Him for everything. We are in a beautiful journey called life. Learn from the past and live in the present and plan for the future. And remember that in the end, it will all be alright. It really will be. I don’t want to be a preacher; I just want to be your brother and friend. We all learn together. I thank God more for my family and friends than almost any other blessing. Second only to the Atonement of Jesus Christ. My great joy to associate with all of you is a treasure. Take care of yourselves! I love you!
Andy
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
YES!!!
email dated 9/30/08
Woot woot! We baptized 3 people last Friday. Julieta and Maria Rosa, two women who I was skeptical were going to make it because they were both quitting smoking, but they both did it and they are SOO cool. And the 14 year old Federico. They were good baptisms. Federico’s mom came to church for the first time in 30 years and she felt so good that she talked to me and wanted to get a Principles of the Gospel book and wants to come to church every week. And Federico was so excited to be baptized and everything just seemed to work out with him. A LOT of prayer went into that. His mom, when we first started going by, accused us of adding to the bible, the sacred and only bible and that there cant be any more bible, etc... and now she wants to go to church every week and told me she is praying that eventually her whole family will unite with the "Mormon" church.
Julieta was baptized at just the right time. Her 20 year old son overdosed on drugs and almost killed himself the day after her baptism. And rather than viewing at as a evil curse or a bad sign from her baptism like many would have, she said that the gift of the Holy Ghost helped to her overcome the biggest challenge she has ever faced in her life and that reading the Book of Mormon has helped her feel peace in a challenging moment. The gospel can do amazing things when it is applied properly!
Maria Rosa, who smoked 3 packs a day, and always had health problems, pronounced herself cured yesterday when we went by to visit and see how she has been doing. She said "I feel perfect! I don’t hurt at all. My pains are gone." And it may sound crazy, but I believe her. I believe God cured her of her physical pains. Her countenance is SOO different. She looks so different, she was glowing! She had a big huge smile and hugged us as we left. I NEVER break that rule, this being the first time I can remember, but it is a 60 year old woman that is just SOO happy to have changed her life and she thanks us for it and we tell her to thank God. She said she tried quitting smoking so many times, and for some reason when we encouraged her to do it and reminded her to pray to God for help, she found a strength she didn’t know she ever had. She is reading the Book of Mormon every day and SHARING THE GOSPEL WITH HER NEIGHBORS!!! She invited her neighbor to investigate the church because of how happy she is. Very cool!
My favorite thing about the mission is definitely the following: Seeing the changes in people as they allow a faith in Jesus Christ to enter their hearts. I love seeing people happier on account of the gospel, and I love seeing them face their challenges and trials that before were unmanageable, and I love seeing them conquer!
I learned a very valuable lesson from this last month. I am still learning about prayer. I have never prayed so hard. I prayed all month for each of them by name almost all the time. I was always thinking about them as I went to bed and praying for them. I have never been so focused in my whole mission. I have seen as we pray we see results. Like anything, we have to give it our time and attention. If we pray sincerely we can and do and will see the hand of God in our lives. A recent convert family in our ward has a little 5 year old girl that got bit up by a dog last week, to be more specific, by a pit-bull!! And it clasped her face! She was hospitalized. It made me sick to see her. Her face was completely disfigured and the skin ripped off. The ward fasted and prayed for her. She healed faster than I have ever seen anyone heal from anything. That was a few weeks ago, and now she is almost without any marks on her, and it appears that she wont be left with even a scar. The family, with the help of the church members, felt loved and supported through the challenging time and the prayers of the ward healed that little girl. She looked dead, and there was talk of plastic surgery by the doctors, and she healed perfectly!!
What I learned is that God is still a God of miracles. The faith truly does precede the miracles. We all know that it is His will that must be done, but I am starting to see that these challenges that He places before us are all solvable if we remember to seek His will and His way of solving them. God knows what He is doing. He loves us. And His tender mercies are infinite! If we look with the eye of faith rather than the eye of skepticism, we can see and feel the influence of God in our daily lives. It is all a question of point of view. And recognizing that Gods first commandments were reminding us to think of Him and worship only Him, we have to always remember Him. He gives us billions of reminders if we pay attention.
I know there is a God and that He loves us and that He is always listening to the prayer of His children. Let us have faith that he will answer our prayers. If we believe that God doesn’t care about the little things or that he is done with His miracles, then that is what we will see. If we search for His hand with faith and believe He is working miracles, then He will show us the miracles. I have seen them. And I am eternally grateful for this opportunity Heavenly Father gave me to learn this valuable lesson.
Oh yeah, I am staying here in Cerro with Elder Stevenson. I am happy about that. We have some good families we are teaching. I am optimistic that we will see some miracles this transfer.
I love you all so much!! Take care!!
Andy
Woot woot! We baptized 3 people last Friday. Julieta and Maria Rosa, two women who I was skeptical were going to make it because they were both quitting smoking, but they both did it and they are SOO cool. And the 14 year old Federico. They were good baptisms. Federico’s mom came to church for the first time in 30 years and she felt so good that she talked to me and wanted to get a Principles of the Gospel book and wants to come to church every week. And Federico was so excited to be baptized and everything just seemed to work out with him. A LOT of prayer went into that. His mom, when we first started going by, accused us of adding to the bible, the sacred and only bible and that there cant be any more bible, etc... and now she wants to go to church every week and told me she is praying that eventually her whole family will unite with the "Mormon" church.
Julieta was baptized at just the right time. Her 20 year old son overdosed on drugs and almost killed himself the day after her baptism. And rather than viewing at as a evil curse or a bad sign from her baptism like many would have, she said that the gift of the Holy Ghost helped to her overcome the biggest challenge she has ever faced in her life and that reading the Book of Mormon has helped her feel peace in a challenging moment. The gospel can do amazing things when it is applied properly!
Maria Rosa, who smoked 3 packs a day, and always had health problems, pronounced herself cured yesterday when we went by to visit and see how she has been doing. She said "I feel perfect! I don’t hurt at all. My pains are gone." And it may sound crazy, but I believe her. I believe God cured her of her physical pains. Her countenance is SOO different. She looks so different, she was glowing! She had a big huge smile and hugged us as we left. I NEVER break that rule, this being the first time I can remember, but it is a 60 year old woman that is just SOO happy to have changed her life and she thanks us for it and we tell her to thank God. She said she tried quitting smoking so many times, and for some reason when we encouraged her to do it and reminded her to pray to God for help, she found a strength she didn’t know she ever had. She is reading the Book of Mormon every day and SHARING THE GOSPEL WITH HER NEIGHBORS!!! She invited her neighbor to investigate the church because of how happy she is. Very cool!
My favorite thing about the mission is definitely the following: Seeing the changes in people as they allow a faith in Jesus Christ to enter their hearts. I love seeing people happier on account of the gospel, and I love seeing them face their challenges and trials that before were unmanageable, and I love seeing them conquer!
I learned a very valuable lesson from this last month. I am still learning about prayer. I have never prayed so hard. I prayed all month for each of them by name almost all the time. I was always thinking about them as I went to bed and praying for them. I have never been so focused in my whole mission. I have seen as we pray we see results. Like anything, we have to give it our time and attention. If we pray sincerely we can and do and will see the hand of God in our lives. A recent convert family in our ward has a little 5 year old girl that got bit up by a dog last week, to be more specific, by a pit-bull!! And it clasped her face! She was hospitalized. It made me sick to see her. Her face was completely disfigured and the skin ripped off. The ward fasted and prayed for her. She healed faster than I have ever seen anyone heal from anything. That was a few weeks ago, and now she is almost without any marks on her, and it appears that she wont be left with even a scar. The family, with the help of the church members, felt loved and supported through the challenging time and the prayers of the ward healed that little girl. She looked dead, and there was talk of plastic surgery by the doctors, and she healed perfectly!!
What I learned is that God is still a God of miracles. The faith truly does precede the miracles. We all know that it is His will that must be done, but I am starting to see that these challenges that He places before us are all solvable if we remember to seek His will and His way of solving them. God knows what He is doing. He loves us. And His tender mercies are infinite! If we look with the eye of faith rather than the eye of skepticism, we can see and feel the influence of God in our daily lives. It is all a question of point of view. And recognizing that Gods first commandments were reminding us to think of Him and worship only Him, we have to always remember Him. He gives us billions of reminders if we pay attention.
I know there is a God and that He loves us and that He is always listening to the prayer of His children. Let us have faith that he will answer our prayers. If we believe that God doesn’t care about the little things or that he is done with His miracles, then that is what we will see. If we search for His hand with faith and believe He is working miracles, then He will show us the miracles. I have seen them. And I am eternally grateful for this opportunity Heavenly Father gave me to learn this valuable lesson.
Oh yeah, I am staying here in Cerro with Elder Stevenson. I am happy about that. We have some good families we are teaching. I am optimistic that we will see some miracles this transfer.
I love you all so much!! Take care!!
Andy
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