Tacuarembo to Montevideo‏

email dated 4-21-08
Well.... I am officially a missionary in Tacuarembo. But today I am in Montevideo again. My companion Elder Surtees has been having a lot of pain in his foot that has affected his mission for the past year. Today we went to the hospital in Montevideo found out that it is a nerve problem. We have to go see a Neurologist on Thursday, although I did suggest that we set up an appointment for next Pday on Monday instead. Oh well. I feel bad for the kid, as I know from Dad, Neurologists aren't any fun. They are going to do some Electrical Study on his nerves and shock him. If I can, I hope I get to watch.

So, part of the problem with being in Montevideo is that I feel homeless. I hadn't really acclimated yet to being in Tacuarembo. In just 4 days I still was feeling Artigas-sick and not quite at home yet and then I didn't get to sleep in my bed last night because we were on a bus to Montevideo and now I am sitting in the Mission Offices, etc... I feel homeless right now. It is a weird feeling. Tacuarembo, from what I can tell, is very similar to Artigas. I have a feeling I will learn to love it a lot, just as I did with Artigas. The ward is a lot stronger, but there are as always issues and rumors about the Bishop, and the classic Uruguayan less actives list of hundreds of members. I am really excited though, because the members in T-bow feed us like kings!! I am going to get fat here. Since I arrived, I haven't spent a single peso on anything. Everybody is always inviting us to eat and we always have food and leftovers that somebody gave us. So at least I got that going for me. We have a full calendar for the month of April and May of lunches already set up. At least the members here really feed us. But I got fed in Artigas too, I just had to make sure I set it up and they loved me. Here we get it anyway. Another fun thing is that our house is a really long and skinny house. I will take pictures and try and send some home next week. It is an interesting house. I am glad that I am here for the winter, or so it seems. The bathroom is only 3 foot by 3 foot, if that, and the shower actually gives good hot water. So it gets nice and steamy. My old bathroom in Artigas was kind of big and the freezing air was inescapable with the pathetic shower head trying to give hot water and then stopping because the electricity circuited out. There are definite ups to the new place...well really only the bathroom, but that is a big up!!

We don't really have any good investigators that I have seen in these 4 days, and the area book is a little less than organized. I have a feeling that my perfectionist organizing may be what the doctor ordered for Tacuarembo Ferro Carril because I am going to start using the book and doing real planning. My companion is a really cool guy. We get along. I think that we will be able to come together and start working here. I was so bored this week with the lessons and walking really slow because of his foot pain. I hope we can get this taken care of because I am too pro-active to walk slow and only have 2 lessons in an afternoon. I am optimistic.

More exciting news: I am no longer a kid in the mission. It is official. I am here in the offices, and on the missionary wall I am no longer on the bottom row. There are a whole bunch of fresher greenies in the mission than me now. I am actually past 4 months in the field which means I am young but no longer a kid. And since I am past 6 months in the mission, no longer will the incoming sister missionaries pass me up on the board. I will never get passed up again on the missionary wall!

Life is good. I hope that I am ready for the work of Tacuarembo, which I still am not too familiar with. But in an effort to make myself instantly popular I went straight to the Bishop Sunday morning and told him I wanted to play a musical number. They aren't used to music as much down here because not nearly as many people can play. Most wards don't have pianists. I did my own rendition of All Creatures of our God and King and I became instantly popular as all the members wanted to shake my hand before leaving church to come and say "felicitaciones" or congratulations. Here they say congratulations for being talented. It is kind of weird. Anyway, the piano lessons continue to pay off. Somebody tell Sister White. And thanks mom for making me practice in Elementary School even when I didn't want to. It is paying off in the mission field. Who would have thought?

I can't think of what else I might have wanted to say...hmmm...All is well. I am doing really well. I am really tan from the summer. I have gained 15 pounds!! But you can't really tell. I still look the same and my pants still feel like they fit the same, but I HAVE gained weight. I am scared of gaining more here in T-bow the way they feed us. We will see.

The mission continues to be a mental battle between my perfectionism and my feelings of insufficiency. Before the mission I was Andy Shepherd!!! Good student, stud, with direction in life, decently confident, etc... And out here I am just another missionary that no matter how hard he tries, it never seems he is enough. No matter how well he does, the Zone Leaders still hassle him for better numbers. And no matter how much he studies or teaches, he can never take away the peoples agency to reject the message. It is a hard battle. I truly have never felt so insufficient. Out here, if you don't pop right up out of bed at 6:30 you are a sinner, and if you don't get 70 contacts a week you are a sinner, if you don't get members at half or your lessons you are a sinner, etc... It is a mentality that is perpetuated by the Zone Leaders. It bothers me. I kid you not, I have been told that if we don't meet our goals than it is always our fault. For example, I had a baptismal goal for March of 3 and I only got 1. Because I had prayed about my goal, that meant that God told me that there were 3 people that I needed to baptize, and if I didn't baptize those 3, I failed. If I can quote my Zone Leaders, "God commanded you to baptize 3 people"...And I failed. I HATE THAT MINDSET!! Can we quit playing God and maybe accept the fact that maybe God wanted me to have that goal because it motivated ME to work harder. But no, according to mission leaders, I failed my Heavenly Father. It is a frustrating thing. I couldn't help it that my 2 other investigators with baptismal date skipped town or the fact that my other possible decided that he didn't want to listen anymore, etc... People have agency. I don't know. It is a frustrating thing to me. I worked as hard as I can!! I didn't sleep in, I did my studies, I walked fast in the street trying to make it to as many lessons as I could, etc... I really cant imagine what more I could have done. But I still failed. It is a good thing I am with Elder Surtees. He hates Zone Leaders with a passion. It isn't great for me in that sense, but he reminds me that it doesn't matter what they say, because their job is supposed to help us to get success and not measure our success. Only the Lord can measure my success as a missionary. That is the truth. But it is hard to remind yourself of that while you are constantly being hassled by your leaders as they drop the name of the Lord on you and tell you that "if you have faith ALL things are possible. Why, there was a missionary a few years back who made it a goal to baptize 25 people, etc..." Maybe I lack in faith. I hope not. Anyway, as you can see, my mind is now very messed with. Do I lack faith? I actually don't know. Back to square 1: I have never felt so insufficient in my whole life.

But in the end, I try to convince myself that I don't care what anyone says that I only answer to the Lord. But it is easier said than done. But despite all this mental battle, I am doing well. I gotta go!!!I love you all!! Take care!!!

Andy