Sometimes

email dated 10/06/08

Let it be remembered that I departed to conquer the world the Wednesday after General Conference one year ago. Here I am. Still alive, a little taller, bigger, and more experienced. And I still have plenty of time to go.

I have lately been pondering the purity of my heart. It is and always has been my biggest doubt in the mission field. I have often wondered if I was truly out here for the right reasons. "I figure ya just cant pray a lie" (Huckleberry Finn). I have always been battling with myself deep down trying to decide who I am, not just who people see me as. I know how I am viewed. I am Andy Shepherd. He was a good boy who was obedient to his parents, got impeccable grades, loved to talk, tried to be nice to everyone, loved the Lord and tried to keep himself clean, etc... For the longest time my image from Junior High and High School was that of a really good boy. And I knew it. And I tried to live up to that image. But here is where I ask my defining question that I have pondered my whole mission from time to time. Why? Did I do it because that was my image and I liked it, or did I do it because I loved the Lord and wanted to be what He wanted me to be? I think after a lot of deep analysis of myself, I have come to the conclusion that it had been a little of both, depending at times, if we are discussing Junior High and High School aged Andy Shepherd. There were times that I did good out of the purity of my heart and desire to do good, knowing that it was pleasing in the eyes of God. And I believe there were other times that I did it because I knew that is who I was supposed to be, but perhaps placed too much emphasis on the fact that that is how I knew everyone expected me to be. My battle with pride is not singular, I know we all go through it. And so maybe my discussing this will have some value for some of you.

Now I am a missionary. In the first place, I know that Jesus lives and that He loves us and that His church is on the earth today. That testimony is vital to me. But now I have to break down the day by day Elder Shepherd. When I contact someone in the street, do I do it because I love him or because I know I need to have 70 contacts this week and that I want to find new investigators to baptize, etc... If I do it for either reason I am still doing a good thing, right? But I am terrified of allowing the means to become my end. Obviously, as is always the case with any investigator that we find, I love them. I do. I love the people. And I want them to be happy and to know that Jesus Christ has made possible their eternal progression. I have that right reason going for me. I do love them. But did I only learn to love them because they accepted me and were nice to me and let me come in? Or would I have loved them no matter what?

Jesus Christ loved them no matter what. I have not. I have a LONG way to go. Jesus Christ said, "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do." Andy Shepherd said, "uggh, stupid 7th day Adventists." There is a horrible and disgusting difference. It makes me ask myself, why do I want them to believe what I believe? Why do I care so much that they believe exactly what I believe? And often, that can be a defining question. It isn’t about ME, or what I believe. I don’t want them to come to understand what I think or what I want or what I believe. I need to want them to come to understand what He wants and what He thinks and what He knows. As an instrument, it is true that my will can become the same as His and so what I say may just be what He would say. But sometimes I fear that I still say what He would say, but I don’t do it right deep down in my heart. The message is still pure, but why am I not? When I focus on them accepting what I said, and I wish I could put italics on the "I", then the purity of the message is lost. First and foremost the reason I say hi to someone in the street should be love.

I want to be a good missionary. I want my family and friends to know that I worked hard and was a good missionary. WHY DO I CARE? That is wrong and it haunts me. I want SOO badly to be a humble servant and to do it for the right reasons. Sometimes I do, and sometimes I don’t. Obviously, you could counsel me that we are all progressing and learning and that is why we are here. That is what the Spirit already told me, too. I guess this email is more of a confession than a cry for help. I am not always 100% obedient. Sometimes I blow it. Sometimes I see someone in the street and I say, "they look grumpy, maybe I will talk to the next person cause I don’t want that person to get annoyed at me." Sometimes I wake up at 6:30 and lay there wishing I could sleep more, and lay there for another 30 minutes. More than sometimes, I would use the word oft-times, my mind isn’t on the mission--rather it is at home. Sometimes I get so mad at the Jehovah’s Witnesses that come up and criticize me in the street. Sometimes I argue. Sometimes my companion and I get out of the house late. And the list goes on and on.

It is such a battle! And I feel so alone in the battle. I give myself credit for wanting to do the mission for the right reasons, and I believe that the Lord may yet give me credit for that desire as well because we learn in Samuel that the Lord looks on the heart. But a desire not carried into action is of very little value. The Sons of Helaman obeyed with exactness. Sometimes I do. And sometimes I don’t.

I know I am a perfectionist and that it can be unhealthy. I want to be better SOO bad. I want to be humble!! I want to be everything perfect! General Conference this weekend was Heaven Sent. It was edifying and just what the doctor ordered. I loved every minute of it. I felt the comforting voice of the spirit. I was counseled. I was given ideas of where to start in the path to improvement. I was filled with love and I almost cried during one talk given by a Seventy about the missionary that had said "I don’t know if God loves me" and the Seventy told him, "yes you do. You do know that." And I echo the words. I know that God loves me. And I know that I can be better. Furthermore, I know that I need to do it step by step. It won’t happen all at once. The key is in my desire. If I work with that desire to be pure, I will be. It won’t happen all at once. It may just be I was learning the virtue of patience.

I believe that I have been learning a lot more than that. I learn SO much all at the same time that sometimes it seems like an overload of information. But as a missionary we don’t have time to think about ourselves too much. The old adage will be remembered: "Lose yourself in the work." If only, if only. Sometimes I am lost in the work, and sometimes I am not.

I promise that I won’t be so self-analytical in future emails. I am at my year mark and trying to figure out what one year of service has done for me. I hope that you all didn’t get too bored with all this. Don’t worry about me. If I had more time I would discuss just exactly and in detail how every talk during conference was valuable to me and that I can and will try to apply so many principles that were re-iterated to me this weekend.

The gospel is true. Jesus lives. Jesus is perfect. We are not. Thank Him for repentance. Thank Him for everything. We are in a beautiful journey called life. Learn from the past and live in the present and plan for the future. And remember that in the end, it will all be alright. It really will be. I don’t want to be a preacher; I just want to be your brother and friend. We all learn together. I thank God more for my family and friends than almost any other blessing. Second only to the Atonement of Jesus Christ. My great joy to associate with all of you is a treasure. Take care of yourselves! I love you!

Andy