Well, the mission thing is still going alright, here in the land of much sand and many stray dogs. The dogs are crazy, I tell you. You can't really trust them. Some of them appear very amiable, but are ravenous wolves. I wish I could pet some, but alas, like everything out here, it is against mission rules. It's alright though, because it keeps me safe from fleas. The hermanas in our zone have fleas, that stinks. Anyway, the point is that there are more dogs out here than people, and I've started asking my companion if we can count dogs as contacts because we are called to preach the gospel to every creature...so I tried it out. I knelt down and tried inviting a dog to church on Sunday and it freaked out and tried to jump and bite me. I will never invite another dog to church. Oddly enough, yesterday, a dog tried to come into church 'cause the door was open, like always because we are desperate for any kind of a breeze. Anyways, this dog walked right into the chapel. I had to kindly invite it to leave. I still wished I had counted it as an investigator in church.
It's getting pretty hot down here. I sweat more than I knew was possible. I am pretty much sweating buckets down here. But that should be taken as a good sign, because it tells you I am drinking enough. Which by the way, I am. I feel like I'm drinking to run a marathon.
Tonight is New Years. We are allowed to be out til 12-thirty, but were really not. You can be up and out that late if you have a ride back home. Here's the issue, there are no taxis working past 10. So you really have to be back home just like any other night. The AP's were pretty ridiculous about that. We asked if we could use our New Years, seeing as it is P-day also, and since we can't proselyte tonight, to be together at some other missionary's in our zone casa because they live with a member who has a HUGE house and plenty of room. The AP's said no, simply because they can tell us what to do, and refused to inquire of the president if it could be appropriate. Apparently everybody here hates the AP's. I'm trying to stay out of it.
So here is my story for the week. It will be a different one than any previous or to come, at least I hope.
I have been working my hardest out here. I have tried to hit the ground running, to speak this language (I am getting better), to be the best missionary I can be, etc... But this last week I just felt something was off. Starting on Wednesday I had this utter emptiness in me, and I couldn't figure out where it was coming from. I can't describe it any better than to say I felt empty. I asked myself, "Is this really how I am supposed to feel while serving a mission? I hate this feeling! Where does it come from? Am I doing something wrong?" and with some hard days and seemingly impossible investigators I found myself asking, "What am I even doing out here?" I couldn't shake this empty feeling I had in me. Sometimes when we were teaching I felt the spirit and for a few minutes felt good, but as soon as we were back out on the street I couldn't shake the empty feeling inside. I kept telling myself that I shouldn't be feeling anything but this. It was hollow. I felt lonely. I was driven to my knees a lot, and just couldn't feel anything!!! I couldn't figure it out. Finally, in companionship inventory on Saturday morning, I told my companion that I felt like something was missing. With tear-filled eyes I told him we must be doing something wrong. Why aren't our investigators getting it. We are telling them that a man saw God and Jesus Christ and an angel led him to a golden book that he translated into scripture that can save the world and people are just nodding their heads, "clearly, for sure, that's nice, I believe that's true, etc..." A lot of people are very receptive, but completely complacent. Nothing gets through into their hearts. I said I think we need to be more clear, teach harder and longer to increase understanding, to at least do something because I can't shake this empty feeling and I just feel like were doing something wrong. "What am I doing wrong!?" I pleaded. My wise companion told me "you aren't doing anything wrong. We can't force anyone to understand. We bring the message and the spirit UNTO them, they have to open their hearts. We can scream at them and they won't feel or hear anything that they don't want to. This is missionary work. It is hard. I've done it almost 2 years. You have to learn to love the work. That's the only way." Very kindly he asked me if I loved the work yet. I told him I wasn't sure just yet, but that I could learn. That night, I was driven hard to my knees and found myself just sobbing and crying harder than I can ever remember crying. I begged to know "Is this what I am supposed to be doing? Is this how I am supposed to do it? Why do I feel so empty? What am I even doing out here!?". I cried and cried. The words of my companion came back into my head "You have to learn to love the work. Really, we don't do anything but deliver a message. We rely on the Lord for the rest." It finally started coming to me that all of my crying and all of this empty feeling that I could not figure out was building me up to this broken heart. In reality I have been searching for a humility that I have never had in my life. I studied and prepared A LOT for my mission. I came out here knowing I can answer any doctrinal question they can have about the church, I can show them any scripture I know to prove it, etc... But the only thing I am asked to do is trust in and follow the Lord. The Lord was preparing me out here with that empty feeling to find a broken heart. Hours later on my knees I found that broken heart. The Lord can use me any way he wants to now, because I have finally come to the realization that I really am nothing without him, especially in this work. How can anyone deliver the message of the Restoration of the Gospel of Jesus Christ without Jesus Christ. I am broken. But I have never felt more whole. I cried my way into understanding my purpose better out here. The Lord had to break my heart and bring me to tears because I gave him no other way. Anyway, I don't know if I told this very well, but let it be known that I feel good now. I don't feel that emptiness anymore. I am starting to understand what this work really is. It isn't a dream come true, it isn't exactly how we dream and expect it will be since we were 10 years old, but it is a marvelous work. I have a long way to go, but I think I am going to be a lot more malleable and allow the Lord to use me the way He wants to.
I feel a lot better now. I believe that I can play a part in making a difference out here. One of the Hermanas in our zone got sick and went to Montevideo, and so Elder Dennis and I worked their area this weekend to help them out. The Hermanas have no idea how lucky they are! Their ward has priesthood. They have over 140 active members. They have a bishopric, Sunday school teachers who are there, everybody was at church on time, they had a nice chapel instead of a room to set up chairs in (like our ward), etc... It was so nice being in their ward. We received 2 references that we didn't even have to ask for because members found out where we labored and said "I know someone over there. Teach them. If you want I can come too." It was amazing!! Seeing their ward gave me hope. Our ward really struggles. Yesterday I got really upset at the Bishop for letting little girls prepare the sacrament and trying to let a non-member bless the sacrament!!! He doesn't get it. I was really upset, but I kept it cool. I calmly told him that that was a priesthood responsibility, and if we don't have the priesthood sufficient in the ward to do it he can always ask us, the missionaries to do it for the ward. We have a lot of work to do here, but anyway the point of my story, is that I have seen that there are good members down here and that there is a hope. I pray and hope for my favorite family in the ward, the Diaz family, which happens to have 5 boys, to stay strong. The 5 of them could make it on a mission and be a HUGE blessing for Artigas Bario 4.
I am getting better at Spanish everyday. I had lunch with some members yesterday and didn't even realize I was speaking Spanish with them and I understood what they were saying most of the time. It felt pretty good. One of these days I will be pretty fluent and it is going to be SO cool. Its funny, because I don't feel like I am getting better, but I know that I am. Elder Dennis says it feels the same way for everyone. He said I speak 10 times better than when I got here, but I don't feel that way. I guess it just kind of gradually sneaks up on you until you can speak Spanish, as long as you keep studying and praying for the gift of tongues. The Portuguese still frustrates me, but what can you do?
We've joked about walking to Brazil for a New Years party. We can see Brazil right from a hill in our area. There's nothing to stop us from going over there. That way I can say I've been in 3 countries! We probably won't ever go over there.
Anyway, I need to go now. The work continues, and I am trying to do my best and be my best. I love you all so much. Happy New Years!! Take care!!
Sincerely,
Andy
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